Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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