i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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