wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
