I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
