Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
