I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
