I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i think my mom watched the whole time
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
