she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
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My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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