I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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