I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
