don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
