Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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