There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
