I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
