Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
