just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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