Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
