from now on my penis is your penis
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
