my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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