you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
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