She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
