we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
