I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
