i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
