Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
