Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
tell your sister to shave her snatch
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
