five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
