now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sext me about skeletons
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
