Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
