the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
