I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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