Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
