Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
