wanna go halves on a baby?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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