you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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