oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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