I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
