Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
