I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
