She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
