I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
