she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
