you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
