I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
