Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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