God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
