I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
