The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
