you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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