Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
