Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize