Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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