i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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