We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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