I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
