my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
