I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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